A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" The mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother goes to the school the next day and asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher was able to contain her laughter, she answered,"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: - "It'sa illegallo to putto 5 peopolle in a Quattro." - "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. - "Quattro meanso four" replies the Italian official - "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." - "You can'ta pulla thato one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. - "Quattro meansa four. You havo fiveo peopolle ina your car and you are thereforra breakingo the law." The German driver replies angrily: - "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" - "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno. The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship 1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job. 2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie. 4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you. 5. It is important that these four men never meet. Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket HU is the name of the new Chinese chief. have fun HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman (We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me.Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!" After 35 years of work in postal services, the postman is preparing for retirement and he works his last day as a postman. One family gives him a pan as a gift, another one gives him a keytab, and when he rings at the third door, the door opens and a glamourous blonde appears on, holds him for his hand, takes him to the bedroom where they spent two hours in the most crazy "acrobatics", and after the shower she prepares the breakfast (eggs with the ham and orange juice) and gives him a $ 5.- During the meal, he was delirious and asks: "Can you explain all of this to me...?!?" The Blonde says: "Yesterday, I told my husband that our postman is going to be retired and we need to make something for him, and he replies:"Fuck > him,......give him 5 dollars!" ...And the breakfast was my idea."